Tales of the Incredible Hoke Robertson

As I kneel here operating the remote controls of the small robot I have inspecting the gopher holes in the hill behind my Oakenvale estate, I am reminded of recent events in the Delta. It was only two weeks ago the string of long and wet storms had caused significant runoff in the valley causing the San Joaquin River to rise to flood stage.

Now flood stage does not mean that the levees protecting the Delta are over-topping, rather it means that with so much flow and hydrostatic pressure, and the consequent seepage it is expected there will be levee failures. It was very cold and late at night as I was pulling the 12-6 am flood patrol shift for Reclamation District 1812. The landowners were having a tough go of it so I volunteered to take some of the patrols so they could get some rest. At some time around 2:43 am I noticed a large number of boils started appearing at the foot of the levee, indicating that the saturated levee was now allowing actual flow through it. Under such conditions the flow would continue to increase and the levee would soon fail. The flood water would flow downhill threatening the cities of Lathrop and parts of Manteca. Very serious indeed!

Luckily I had been monitoring the very limited river traffic and so knew that in a few moments the Kraft delivery riverboat would be just upstream of the now leaky levee. Thinking quickly I devised a plan and radioed the riverboat captain that under USC 1812 (b) I would need to commandeer his vessel and cargo. Being an old Navy man, the captain immediately complied with my order as he was familiar with the emergency powers of the government first developed during that War with the British a few years after the Revolutionary War; the name and date of which escape me at the moment.

I instructed the captain to pull closer to shore and maintain his position while the crew dumped a portion of the cargo into the river just upstream of the problem levee. As the Jell-O containers hit the water the contents began to dissolve into the liquid. I then threw a flare into the water which ignited the cardboard packaging of the Jell-O. The flames both heated the water which is necessary for the gelatin in the Jell-O to fully dissolve and thereafter harden and it created an area of low pressure which temporarily slowed the seepage of water into and through the levee. As the dissolved Jell-O passed though the levee, the chilly temperature caused it to quickly firm up and it sealed the leaky levee leaving little left to labor on later.

The area seems to be holding much better than other areas, and it is likely that the endangered riparian brush rabbit will benefit next summer given its preference for the tasty treat. I am setting up a fundraiser to fully compensate Kraft for its losses and am encouraging everyone to buy more Jell-O notwithstanding Bill Cosby's prior endorsement. HOKE